This seems to be a common issue. Finding the right person could be a big struggle in modern age. We live in a consumerist and lonely age. Everyone is looking for the right person desperately yet we keep treating the relationships as products we can purchase in Walmart. Well, yes there are people out there who care about your money more than your personality but is that the type of relationship you want ? I hope not.
So here are the rules of thumb to help you to have a healthy satisfying relationship with the kind of person you really want.
Step#1 : Leave the house and socialize
Unless you leave your house you won’t meet anyone interesting other than the UPS guy or girl ( which I have never seen for some reason, UPS should think about this). For you to be able to meet potential girlfriends or boyfriends you need to leave your house and go to social occasions like local meetups, wine tasting events, book clubs, social gatherings. Just find something that you are interested. If you are learning spanish, go to spanish meetups and do what you like and meet people at the same time. If you like mountain climbing then take a course or join a club and get in touch with similar minded people. You need to get out of your comfort zone and that might require a little will power in the beginning. You can go to meetup.com or follow the nearby events you see on your facebook and pick one and go. Don’t worry about being in an unknown territory because people who go to meetups actually go there to socialize anyway, so they will be open and accepting. If you don’t like meetups go to your friends events or offer to celebrate your friends birthday at your place and invite people. Do your work at a local coffee shop and say hi to strangers to initiate a small talk. There are many things you can do to socialize and meet new people , do whatever you can but get out of your couch and give a break to your Xbox.
Step#2 : Drop all your expectations
This one is very challenging!
The fact is that unless you drop your expectations about your potential mate, you have a very little chance of constructing a healthy relationship often you will end up screwing it up. Expectations will not allow you enjoy the time you spend with your date rather they will make you start judging her/his every single move to make sure if he/she is the right one. Time flies when you are getting to know someone, it’s like a puzzle you are tying to solve that’s why it’s very interesting and exciting. Don’t rush for trying to figure out if he/she is the right one. Leave it to time and there is no other way frankly. If you rush, you will end up screwing it up because it will loose it’s authenticity, both parts will feel it is not natural. No matter how many times I say it to myself it is still hard for me as well. Because when you get to meet someone and really like him or her , you just want it to happen and your mind rushes you to go for it. It took me years of practice to tell my mind to stop and take the control of my emotions. Because after all, 20 minutes into the conversation you might think you like this person but in reality you still don’t know this person good enough to decide if it is anything else than some hormonal attraction. So calm yourself especially when you really like the person in the beginning , be cool and leave it to time to get to know her or him. By not being too eager and keeping it cool will give him/her space and he/she will not feel suffocated. That’s so key in the beginning in order not to scare him or her.
Step#3 : Embrace rejection!
Life is tough!
You have to be tougher to handle rejection. You will be rejected, maybe many many times. And it is okay it happens, it is not about you, don’t take things personally. Treat it like a social experiment. Go for what you want , try to get to know people and be cool when rejected. It doesn’t mean anything about your personality. It only means the person is could be married, doesn’t feel it, is not your type or maybe even not interested in the opposite sex . When it comes to life’s challenges we need to be thick-skinned and not let every single thing hurt us otherwise we won’t be able to enjoy life cause it will be unbearably painful. Create your own reality and live it. Speak yourself positively instead of beating yourself up when things don’t go the way you wished , say “it’s okay, I am valuable and I will meet people who deserve my attention and who wants to spend time with me”. Do you give up life when you go to a job interview and get rejected?. Of course not, it is basically the same thing do not take things personally and move on.
Step#4 : Do not chase anyone !
Wait! aren’t guys supposed to chase the ladies and ladies are supposed to take it slow and not give in right away?
Yes of course there are certain roles for both genders . Speaking for 21.st century , it is perceived as more natural for men to go for girls they want and ask them out etc. This is commonly because in the past women did not have financial freedom and didn’t have the power to make the decision themselves. Since the criteria of power is shifting from ” having more muscles” to “having more brains” in this century, women are less afraid of being labeled and more confident about going for what they want. But still it looks like we have to wait a little more for this to be more common.
By saying ” do not chase anyone” what I mean is : do not be crazy about one single person and bombard him or her with your attention. Do not send poems at 3 am via text message. Showing over attention will guarantee a rejection. After all you are a valuable interesting person (or getting there day by day ), so why would you be crazy about proving yourself to her or him. You are the giver not the stealer.
The question we need to ask ourselves is that how do we position our potential mate or date? Do we perceive him/her as someone who we need in our lives to make us happier or someone who we invite to our lives to offer good time”. Are we offering something or looking for something to steal because we are in NEED of love , in need of attention and we need someone to tell us how awesome we are on a regular basis.
Remember, no one else can give you long lasting happiness if you are not already happy in your own state. If you are unhappy when you are lonely and you think you will be happy if you get a girlfriend or boyfriend , you are dead wrong! You will be happy for a week and get back to your unhappy state even if you have a girlfriend. So, work on yourself and cultivate your inner happiness, if your happiness is dependent on external factors , when they disappear your happiness will be gone as well.
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