Anger management techniques: How to control anger before it controls you

“It Is Not What Happens To You It Is How You Respond To It ! “

We are all humans and humans have emotions, lots of emotions. One of the strongest emotions we have is anger. And it is crucial to learn how to live with anger. Since we can not have a surgery and get rid of our emotions  we need to learn to cope with them on a daily basis. Without emotions life would be quite meaningless and boring but when we don’t know how to cope with anger, love or jealousy they could bring catastrophic outcomes.  The source of anger is irrelevant in a way because there will always be things that will annoy us. You can’t escape from that and expect everything to go perfectly well. But you can change your reaction to anger. You can choose to react in a way that short circuits that poisonous tension within you and cut the high voltage before it takes control over you and makes you act in a way you end up regretting terribly. Here are few quick anger management techniques to help you handle anger and to keep your cool.

 

Step #1  : Observe your anger building up and get ready : do not react immediately

You will absolutely know when it is coming, it is a matter of not reacting immediately. You are driving and another driver doesn’t stop at stop sign and you almost end up hitting him/her. You are furious, all you want is to roll down the window and curse at him. Even that will not calm you down, maybe you want to chase him and do the same to him. The first few seconds of anger is very important. So just stop instead of reacting, do not retaliate! Your ego will force you to do so but you should know that all your ego causes is trouble anyway. So just try to stop and do not act. That will give you some time to do the right thing .

Step #2  : Take a mental video of the worst  case scenario  Yes you heard it right. Now you stopped and the next step is to create a video on your mind in which you follow where your anger takes you and what could possibly could have happened if you did so. For instance just before you opened the window and cursed at that guy / girl , create that video with a possible worst case scenario and hit the play button . On your mind have yourself act in the worst way, for example in the mental video you roll down the window and swear at him/her then the driver swears at you and you get out of your car so the driver with a gun at his hand. He shoots you right in the head and you are dead or he just shoots you on the leg and pumps the gas leaves you there. People come to help you and you end up in the hospital and rest for a month etc etc. Or you just chase him with your car and hit him behind and the cops come , your insurance skyrockets and you both end up paying a big fine and lose the driving licenses for a year. Just use your creativity and come up with the possible worst case scenarios and run them on your mind and that will make you feel like you have already been there . This is a very powerful technique because by the time you are done with the video your anger will be short circuited . You will not feel as angry as you did few seconds before , it will be gone because you have already released that emotion on your mind hypothetically except you will not have to deal with the horrible consequences of your actions you took on your mental video. It might take some to to apply it properly but once you excelled this anger management technique you will be able to control your anger before it controls you in your daily life.

Step #3  : Remind yourself, it is just today

Some days everything just goes wrong. Your boss is angry , your wife , husband, child gives you a hard time. Your car breaks down when you have to rush for an important meeting. Everything just goes wrong and it becomes really hard to keep your cool and act calmly. Those days remind yourself that it is just today, tomorrow will be a different day and days like this happened in the past and will happen in the future and you will survive. That will give you hope and help you relax so that you can have the power to survive the day.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Step #4  : Exercise and let the steam out

Steer your tension coming from anger into a different activity and release the tension by hitting the gym or taking a walk by the river. Anger creates this tension inside you, you want to punch someone and break things and you have this  insane energy stuck inside so you need to let it out and exercising is one great way of releasing that stuck tension stuck inside you. Body and mind are connected as you go and hit the gym and run or go take a long walk around the river listening to a favorite song of you , it is guaranteed that you will feel better.

Step #5  :  Reward yourself every time you keep your cool against anger 

Now it is time to program your brain in a way that you feel really proud of yourself when you don’t fall in the trap of anger on a daily basis over little things and achieve to remain calm. It is a process to apply these steps  , you will not be able to stop yourself immediately when you get angry and maybe you will say things you will regret. What matters is to stop as soon as you recognize the pattern and steer the situation towards the correct direction before it gets out of hand. And when you are able to do it you should reward yourself so that your brain becomes more prone to acting the same way next time it happens. Remember Pavlov’s Dog Experiment ? We are animals in shoes, we behave the same way and as long as we program ourselves the right way we can handle anger or any kind of strong emotion without them getting out of control. So every time you do the right thing and create the mental video and take a walk, exercise and successfully short circuit the anger and release it  treat yourself. Buy yourself an amazing dinner. Go get those pair of shoes you always wanted. It doesn’t have to be about ” buying ” something. But just do something you really love to do after your successful attempt. That will motivate you and make it a second nature for you to act in the same way automatically next time. You won’t have to think about every single step consciously after some time, you will just find yourself doing the right things naturally.

The Perfectionist & The Habit of Beating Yourself Up – Stop Self Punishment in 3 Steps

Self Punishment Hurts

I am a half time perfectionist. I used to be a full time perfectionist. I would always beat myself up when things were not the way I exactly wanted them to be. There was always a reason to beat myself up.  Sometimes it was because of forgetting  the car key at home , not paying the gas bill on time,  for eating junk food or for wasting my time by procrastinating. There could be various reasons  and programming behind this behavior.  Sometimes it is due to low self esteem. Someone criticizes you or you have a short argument with someone and you take things too seriously and start blaming yourself according to what people think about you.

Whatever the reason is , beating yourself up over little mistakes  is really ineffective and does not work. If nothing else, it kills your self esteem and makes things even worse. It gets  harder for you to feel good about yourself.  Remember that you should be your best friend and personal motivator. Otherwise paying someone a fortune to motivate you will not last long because no one can spend more time with you other than yourself.

 Here is  the simple method  to stop self punishment in 3 steps.

1- Let your observing ego kick in. ( Catch yourself doing it )

Step number one is observing yourself and knowing that you are beating yourself up.  In order to stop the habit you should know when it is happening. And whenever it happens just stop and say it to yourself  ” I am beating myself up right now” . When you realize you are repeating this old habit just stop. And tell yourself ” it is okay, things happen , I am probably not the only person losing his car key in the morning before heading  to work”

2 – Ask yourself if it really helps beating yourself up

We are extremely smart creatures. We don’t realize that but we are always in a verbal fight with our minds.  If you want to change a habit you need to convince yourself by solid proof.  Then your mind will absorb it and decide it makes sense and will be willing to let you change it. That’s why pure forced motivation is not enough for long lasting changes. Since you are forcing yourself without convincing yourself on a deeper level, sooner or later you will see your old habits repeat themselves. So when you catch yourself beating yourself  ask the question ” am I really helping myself by beating myself, is it making the situation any better” ?  The answer ,  of course, is NO. You are just adding fuel to the fire by getting angry about yourself. You are killing your self-esteem and mood by beating yourself. It is just making things worse. By acknowledging this fact you will feel more prone to acting differently.

3-  Calm yourself and do what you can do 

You can only do what you can do. So do not expect more than what you can do from yourself simply because it is unfair.  If it is not only you who loses the car key in the morning , when you say ” I am stupid because I lost the keys ” . You should always test if the statement is true. Ask yourself  ” does it make me stupid to lose the car key” . It really doesn’t and it only tells that you are a little disorganized. Instead of choosing the harsh words for yourself , address yourself with mild and logical words. This will keep your self-esteem high and help you resolve the situation calmly and keep your mood up at the same time.

Summary

Now you caught the pattern and stopped it.  Picked the statement ” I am stupid , I lost my keys “.  Now questioned the negative statement and asked yourself ” is it really true” .  And came up with  ” there are many people losing their keys everyday so it is not only me so it does not prove that I am stupid, I am just disorganized and I can work on it ” . Now you eliminated the negative pattern without getting angry and losing your control.  Keep catching your negative thoughts daily, carry a small notebook and write them down as they cross your mind,  disprove them using the same exact pattern.  You will feel better about yourself over time.

CBT  {Cognitive Behavioral Therapy}

In case you never heard of it, this pattern of solving problems is a technique in CBT.  It is used to help people treat their social anxiety, phobia , thought based depression  etc. CBT is based on keeping a log of your thoughts and filtering the sabotaging ones. And writing them down , asking simple questions to see if they are true and by using simple logic refuting the sabotaging thoughts and changing the pattern. Check out the youtube video and apply it yourself.

 

 

 

Loneliness vs. Aloneness – The constant urge to escape from the self

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before” . 

– Albert Einstein

We, the people of 21st century, are suffering from depression and stress more than anytime in history. We are constantly multitasking and trying to accomplish many things at the same time. We are eating while watching TV and talking to our friend and answering phones and cooking and sending an sms simultaneously.  We rarely spend time by ourselves and especially in the western societies spending quality time by yourself is often misinterpreted as being a loser or as having no social alignments.

I remember having a routine of  eating at my favorite Mediterranean restaurant once a week and I told this to one of my friends. He was shocked that I actually went  to a restaurant at night and had my favorite food by myself . According to him it would only be normal if I went out with others .  It was eye-opening for me that we as a society feel the necessity to do every single activity with others and it is perceived as something weird to enjoy a meal by yourself.  We feel the need to be talking all the time, it doesn’t really matter what the subject is. It could be friends, families, society, new dates, hockey anything. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is not  SILENT.  We are afraid to death from SILENCE. We just  can’t handle it.  That’s mainly why depression , anxiety and all kinds of mental illnesses skyrocketed in 21st century. That which you escape from becomes your reality and stays with you forever!

Then I realized I used to repeat exactly the same thing in my life , if i was bored  i reached out for the phone to meet a friend, if I was sad i called some friend to dump all my negativity ( sometimes it’s useful ) , or I watched TV for 5 hours or kept reading and forgot about the time. It all served the same purpose actually : trying to kill the silence and not staying alone with myself. 

I have to state that there is nothing wrong about sharing your life with your friends, spending quality time with people you love or socialize with.  And I do have many good friends with who I spend quality time regularly. The point is that you should be spending quality time by yourself and shut the motor ( your mind ) periodically. You NEED it to let your observing ego to give you the feedback on your life journey.  You need it because it gives you a chance to observe yourself, your body, your thoughts , emotions.  Once you are the observer you are not escaping anymore and once you stop running from silence, your anxiety, fear, doubt, panic disappears. You are not in the current being drifted by your emotions and thoughts any more. You are the third person observing yourself.

An Indian spiritual teacher, Osho defines loneliness  differently from aloneness.  Loneliness, in his definition, is something we want to escape , it is dark and sad. We don’t want it, we desperately look for other people to get rid of loneliness. Aloneness on the on the other hand is something we choose to have. We enjoy it. We take it as an opportunity to calm our minds and center ourselves.  I find his definition very accurate. When we actually stop escaping from the self and learn to stop distracting ourselves at all times the more centered and grounded we become.